They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
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Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*