Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
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Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.