Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
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The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
How to woo a woman
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
😂 amazing answer
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.