As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
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*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
asking santa clause for nudes
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.