Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
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I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
My patience has stretch marks.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.