Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
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Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*