Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
You Might Also Like
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.