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any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates