[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
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I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.