Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
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From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.