I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
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I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
🙋♀️