Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
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“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Born to be mild.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story