My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
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I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
hackers play passwordle
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.