Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
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Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Jupiter
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.