Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
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Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.