Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
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My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair