Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
You Might Also Like
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.