I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
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employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I hope this email finds you in a well
how much does a mortician urn in a year
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I only treason on days ending in y
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food