The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
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If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
he chose this
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”