why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
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Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.