Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
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I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
New mindset, who dis?
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again