I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
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Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine