I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
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Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Become ungovernable.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me