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Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
The Backseat Boys
Spotted in New Orleans.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.