It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..