Life cycle of cat
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[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic