Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
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They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre