This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
This kid will have a bright future.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!