Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
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My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
the saddest jazz hands ever
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.