I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
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Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.