how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
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The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I’m dying louder than usual today.