I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
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NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real