Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
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Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I wanna be friends with this person
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.