According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Did my cat write this
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.