Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
You Might Also Like
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.