Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
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Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
same vibe as tangled headphones
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.