A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
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There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I am all good here, 😂😉
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Husband of the year 😂
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
So inspired right now.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.