Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
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*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I wouldn鈥檛 say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I think I鈥檒l take the swab. Thanks though.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Olympic pairs curling but it鈥檚 just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don鈥檛 believe in vaccines?
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Not today. 馃槄
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me :
All Day At Night
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
I didn鈥檛 realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.