Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
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One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
no cat here
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.