Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
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Who called it baking and not making love
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.