My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
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If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.