Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
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You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
WTF