Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids