I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
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like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
This why you should mind your business
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together