Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
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I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing