I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.