5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
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💻🤡
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
True statement👍😏😁
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
we all know this pain all too well
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.