My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
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If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.