If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
You Might Also Like
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.