for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
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Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.